METAL
"We are all in the gutter, some of us are looking at the stars, but mostly we're at heavy metal gigs. And rightly so."-
Oscar Wilde on Metal
Metal (Music)Metal is a style of music characterized by an abundance of H-Waves, which release
endorphins into the
brain, in accordance with
The Theory of Happiness. These highly specialised waves are recieved through the
hair folicles, which has led to excessive hair growth among metal music devotees in order to absorb as many of them as possible.
MeasurementThe number of H-waves in any given song is measured in
Alice Coopers per minute (or AC), with the average being 23AC. The highest AC ever recorded is 142AC for the
Deep Purple song
Smoke on the Water.
There are some who prefer to measure how
excellent a track is in Derek Coopers (or DC). These individuals have been largely dismissed as
idiots, but the confusion has led to the creation of the band
AC/DC, as well as severe internal divisions during the
Rock Wars of 2050.
ClassificationsMusic under 20AC is classified as
Rock & Roll Music between 20 and 50AC is classified as
Rock Above 50AC music becomes
Heavy Metal, form where it sub-divides into further catagories according to which body part performing it harms. For example:
- Power Metal harms the
finger with absurdly fast
guitar playing.
- Death Metal harms the
voice with growling and screaming.
- Black Metal harms the
soul by worshiping non-
cthulhu devils.
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